K’s guest list Guide
Last week, I shared an Instagram Reel with my #1 guest list tip. It went viral-ish, with everyone agreeing that making the guest list is one of the most tedious parts of wedding planning. Whether you’re planning an intimate gathering or a party for everyone you’ve ever loved or given hives, the guest list comes with a whole lot of strings attached. I’m not going to tell you who you should or shouldn’t invite (that’s for you and your partner to decide….good luck!) But I want to offer a few perspectives, and pieces of advice so hopefully, your guest listing experience isn’t so bad after all.
“You don’t have to invite everyone you’re related to.”- K!
Before you take advice from anyone, you should know the context they are coming from. I’ll explain mine: My parents are divorced (like, the cancerous kind of divorce, not the benign kind.) A complicated immediate family means the extended family is complicated too. As a result, I’m not close to many people I’m related to. In my normal day-to-day, that isn’t an issue. But weddings make your fragmented family feel like they’re framed and hung on the wall for all to see. I felt pressure to suddenly rekindle relationships with family members, just so it would feel right to invite everyone I’m related to.
Then, there’s money. Our wedding was around 17k. In real life, that’s a lot. In the wedding world, that’s an off-brand toy barbie wedding, and you probably got the set at a garage sale. The cost of hosting a wedding is INSANE. From a purely financial perspective, I couldn’t invite everyone who had the same last name, my whole sorority, and everyone who follows me on Instagram. But yet, that pressure to not let anyone down persists.
On family…
Ultimately, I decided to only invite relatives I currently have an adult relationship with. If I hadn’t seen or talked to them in 3 years, I didn’t invite them. It didn’t feel great, but I had to remind myself that a wedding is only one day. Just because a long-lost cousin isn’t at my wedding doesn’t I’m throwing in the towel on that relationship. I had to make some practical choices, and that’s where I ended up.
For the brides out there in this position, think about a wedding you were not invited to. Sure, you’re a little bummed. But that person isn’t out of your diary and excluded from your birthday parties forever. That would be way too middle school of us. Thankfully we’re adults now, and we know not to take it personally if we aren’t on the guest list. Maybe it’s not about us. Maybe it’s about a million other factors and the bride feels terrible, and we should extend grace instead of casting judgments.
Make your invite boundaries (“I haven’t talked to them in x years, no cousins, only family who lives in the same state) and stick with them. And call me if you need someone to tell your vocal family members to pipe down. ;)
On Friends…
Our venue held 150. We divided that in half, and Connor and I had 75 people to invite individually. Somedays I think I have three friends. The wedding process made me realize how many people I care about, which made the friend list more complicated than the family one. To help, I thought about it in 3 categories:
The People I couldn’t Imagine the Day Without. Those kindred spirit kind of friends where a wedding without them just didn’t make sense. I saved a lot of room for these people because they have been family to me when I needed it most. These aren’t always the cool people who bring clout. They’re the real people, and I’d much rather be surrounded by those kinds of friends.
The People I Wouldn’t be Up There Without. So many people in that room made me into the woman I am today. I wouldn’t have been able to be a wife without them pouring into me. Sometimes, a wedding invite is a thank you for being there and for shaping you into the woman who can walk down the aisle. And now while I’m thinking about it, I probably should have invited my therapist. Oops.
Future friends/Peace Offerings. Just as a wedding invite doubles as a thank you, it also acts as an olive branch. Actions speak louder than words, and inviting someone to the most important day of your life says more than an apology ever could. There were certain friends and family members I invited because I wanted a fresh start for us. New last name, new me, new relationship with them. Also, I saved a few spots for new friends I made along the way, and I’m so glad I did! If want to invite someone you don’t know super well but have a good feeling about, go for it.
“We shall only invite people we like.”
It’s one of my favorite lines from Jane Austen’s “Emma” because it’s simple in theory, yet so difficult to execute. When planning the guest list, it feels as if you have to invite EVERYONE. That nice neighbor, current girl-crush, and your spouse’s cousin’s roommate’s aunt…shouldn’t they be there when you walk down the aisle? I’m not so sure.
On a day that holds so much meaning, I think it’s important to be surrounded only with people you like. Vendors you like, friends and family you like, and of course, the boy you like-like. You don’t have to invite everyone you related to. You can invite people who are important to you. You can truly do whatever you feel is best, and it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.
XOXO, K!
